The road trip

My family and I went on a road trip. It wasn’t suppose to be that way. As my  son prepares to go to college, I wanted all of us to go cycling through Spain. The economy decided otherwise. Then, it was decided that we would explore the north west and the Canadian rockies only to have our plans foiled by college orientation. So, the road trip emerged. 

We travelled, four of us, in a station wagon over 2,000 miles staying usually in a very crowded hotel suite until our final destination (Ann Arbor, Michigan) where we left our rented car and flew home.  It was a long trip in some respects, but overall we faired well — at least most of us did. There was disharmony more toward the beginning of the trip with the two parental units: a story that will not be told here.

But, I enjoy being with my children and have always had good times with them. I wish I could alter the dynamic between the parental units but that has eluded me for many years. The trip proved that despite some poor behavior as a family unit we manage with a touch of dysfunction. I can only hope that my son will continue to return home and wish to vacation with all of us. I know I will miss him and I don’t want to focus on my daughter, now that she will be an only child. If I were her, that prospect would get me very nervous.  The road trip served to identify within me issues that remain unresolved. As with everything else, there were lessons to be learned and follow up actions to be taken.

A Master Plan

I have never been one to like , at least outwardly, too much structure or organization. Yet, over the years,I have grown to understand the need for structure. I have learned for example, that when writing a book, the outline can help — especially at those times when my thinking gets off track.  Most often though, I rebel against the structure.

Generally when I write I begin with a sense of where I am and plunge head long into the journey. When my process is working well, the journey is easy and exciting. When I am not working in harmony with myself, my process is halting. I suppose that is the argument for the outline. 

I was asked today, by a friend, if there was a meadow with a lot of garbage and weeds scattered around and I wanted to use the land as a garden, what would be my first action. I said I would start cleaning out the land, getting rid of the junk and the weeds. As the conversation continued my friend commented on my not asking to have someone check the land for snakes or other dangers.  I would never have thought of that at all. If the snakes appeared, I would deal with them. I would never think of not beginning because there might be snakes. I am not terrified of snakes, I guess that has something to do with it.  

I know that the master plan can help but I get caught up in the negative connotation of control and lack of spontaneity that is implied in having a master plan, at least in my mind.  Yet, I know that I get caught in a whirlwind of thoughts that leads to confusion and non action because I lack the master plan.  I believe, I need to change the metaphor.

When I was acting, I did well with improvisation. An over arching structure is needed, what fills the inside comes from something more dynamic and immediate. That is the path I now need to adopt in my work and my life. Change is upon me. Some structure is needed so that the whirlwind is contained and managed. Such a change is necessary but I know that I will still struggle against it–at least for a while. Like the saying: when I get sick and tired of being sick and tired, I will change. 

What the future holds

Do I sound trite? There is truth in all those silly little expressions that are ruined with over use but the core of those expressions remains poignant. My son graduated high school last week; my baby is growing up…. He is after all only 6′1″ and still growing. I was so very proud of him as he walked across the stage to receive an award and then again to receive his diploma. At graduation, I did not cry, nor did I feel like crying. It was very exciting for me and I know he was anxious to be officially done. He has been “over it (high school)” for many months.

I was asked today for an article idea for a parenting magazine and I realized that there were parallels about my experience of my son going off to pre-school and his going off to college. Transitions are always awkward. They are usually a mixture of many emotions, positive and negative. Perhaps it is better to say, a sense of accomplishment and loss. There is no way around those feelings but through them. But, as I did when he went off to school for the first time, I will trust that I have prepared him to make the right choices, believe that he can think for himself and cope, and trust that all good things will occur. For me, the hardest part of not knowing what will happen are my fears that someone or some thing will hurt my son and I won’t be there to fix it. Though he is 18, he is still so young — I wouldn’t dare say that to him.  Time hasn’t made me conservative or pessimistic. Love has made me fearful –for him –as he is precious to me.  

I know that he is not leaving my life completely, that change is inevitable and good but I will miss his smile, his imitations, his composing his music at the piano. I will adjust and hope that in the meantime I don’t drive my daughter, still at home for a few years, crazy.  

 

The time passes

It has been a while since I have visited my own blog pages. So be it. I believe I suffer from what ails many, a lack of response to my postings and a sense of confusion about how to drive traffic to my site. Be that as it may, my life goes on.

I stop by today to make a post about my son. We are in the last few weeks of his high school career. The college application process has been fraught with trauma, different for him than for me and my husband. For us, the parents, the issues are: where will our son do the best, how much can we afford, and what major will we or won’t we pay for.

For me, this was painful. I went to college to study theatre, then acting, and then interdisciplinary studies. My academic career has not be the traditional one so that when the issue of his going to school as a music major arose, I was in a quandary. How do I tell my son that he cannot major in music when I majored in theatre. 

There where struggles between my husband and myself as I refused to tell our son he couldn’t choose music as a major. Since he was not 100% determined to major in music, I found it easier to encourage him to declare himself “open” and go toward liberal arts. I have a core belief that all people should have a liberal arts foundation before they major — my bias. 

After all the hand wringing, the waiting to hear from this school or that, he chose the most logical place for himself. He chose Indiana University. He was accepted to higher ranked schools but Indiana is perfect for him on so many levels. They have a world class music program that embraces talented non-music majors, they are a division 1 school (my son is a wonderful athlete) and they have an exploratory program for incoming freshman who remain open to exploration of a major.  

In my view, he will pursue music if that is what his heart tells him to do, but in the meantime, he will get a wonderful liberal arts education, participate in music and sports and expand his horizons as far as he chooses to make them. And unlike some of the other private schools he was accepted to, we can handle the cost.  I am happy for him.

Working for the love it–NOT

Often people say — you must love what you do. O.K. But, I also know that I have to earn a living doing what I love. What I get frustrated about these days is two fold: 1. you need to know how to write, how to program, how to be a graphic designer, 2. you need to have a huge skill set that in fact has nothing to do with writing AND you have to be willing to do all of this for next to nothing. It reminds me of when I was acting. So much money for the production and perhaps 5% for the artists themselves. Oh Please! So, once again, I got myself into a situation where I agreed to write a series of articles for a very low fee. I figured, O.K. its about extra money. But, after I worked on the first week’s quota, I realized that I was  working for less than minimum wage per hour. I have a Ph.D. and I am researching and writing for less than minimum wage. What is wrong with this picture? I resigned my position. I will find another way to earn extra money without totally selling myself and being frustrated in the process.  

Get Over Yourself!

There are recurring themes in my life that at times get bothersome. Those themes generally revolve around my children’s well being, being in a long term marriage, being a woman and earning money. Beyond that, there are those other themes that are broader, a bit less personal, but real for me: hunger, poverty, war, government, freedom and the like. These themes are powerful motivators in anyone’s life. However, when I get stuck in the personal stuff, I find that the more attentive I am to my life the more complicated I make it or rather, the more complicated my responses become. When I get mixed up with my emotional responses and forget to frame any issue in some context, I am doomed.  The over-arching feeling can best be described by recalling the TV commercial by Federal Express where the workers, expecting delivery of their mail to be late, over dramatically state “we are DOOMED, DOOMED, DOOMED!”By nature, I tend toward the feeling of being “DOOMED.” Luckily for me and I guess for those close to me, I can catch myself and work to be NOT so doomed.  Still, these feelings, spurred on by the negative connotations I can read into the recurring themes in my life, are powerful. Over the years, I have learned to lessen the impact of these negative feelings. I have learned to stop and reconsider my perspective. Sometimes, I am more successful at this than at other times. What can I say, there appears to be a part of me that likes to be “DOOMED”  I am addicted to pain and drama.I grow weary on such days, especially when such a day becomes a series of days. Today, I began “DOOMED.” But, as the day has progressed, I have determined that I will not end the day “DOOMED.” That there is nothing soooo terribly wrong in my life. Things in some context could be better, but in general, everything is alright.  I  just need to gain control of my very dramatic self and say, “Oh, Please! Get over yourself!” 

Inspired

I want to write. I struggle at times to write. But then, I struggle at times period. What stops me from doing that which I need to do? Only the gods know. I marvel at my ability to deny that which feeds my soul. I yearn for more in my life, but then, allow life to stop me. Strange business this living.I interviewed a woman today for  a column I write in a women’s magazine. She was a bright, articulate, driven woman. Her life was different from mine. She overcame adversity more than once and each time rose to the occasion. I have actually never met a woman who did not rise to the occasion– whether that was coping with illness or surviving a vicious divorce.Women survive. That is the truth of the matter. Actually, they do more than survive. I think there is something about womanhood that may or may not be essential to the female nature, but that provides us with the potential to thrive–to do more than just cope.In the end, I sometimes feel disheartened by it all. I have many things to be thankful for and yet I succumb to the negatives. That is my fatal weakness, or character flaw. So, when I meet a woman who has the ability to inspire action, I try to pay attention–I try to remember that I too can be inspiring.  I refocus my attention to reality: the universe is filled with abundance and that I can be inspired and inspiring it is my choice.  I am here for a purpose, my voice is needed. I must take responsibility to fulfill that purpose.  

avoidance

I have two projects I have been avoiding. Both, of course, are mine. I find that I grow intolerant of my procrastinations and then when nothing else can be used I sit down and begin. It is actually a terrible way to prepare to write, but there are times when it happens none the less. Over the years, I have grown to understand my process; that doesn’t make the process any easier or the avoidance more manageable. What it does do however, is it gives me an opportunity to be patient, to acknowledge that I am preparing and then when the moment is right I can begin.I have been in just such a state for about two months now. I began by reading–I was “researching” my topic. Which is true on some level, but it still allowed me an excuse not to sit and write. I remember years ago, while working on my dissertation, that I was researching. And, researching, and researching. I knew the time had come to stop researching and write. I was told then to remember that it should not be viewed as the final piece of my life. That helped ease the pressure. I sometimes have to remind myself that it is a process. Besides, if I don’t get it right, I can redo it. Simple, NOT. I have now reached that moment. One of my projects is foreign to me, as I am to write the story of a Viet Nam battle through the eyes of a commander.  I  am scared because I do not feel I can hear the man’s voice or the voices of the other men. I have spent the last twenty plus years writing, but when I have written my own projects they have always been from a woman’s voice. And so, I am at my limit. I must begin because the avoidance has become intolerable. That is a good thing. At least I am consistent — maybe.  

voting

I voted yesterday. There was a line, that was a good thing. I have always been involved politically, sometimes more active than other times. So far, I have resisted involvement. The last election I worked on was the fateful Bush/Gore election. How distressing was that. I worked the schools and the beaches (I live in a warm climate) to get people to register to vote. It was during that time, that I so how apathy runs deep among our citizenry. It is a sad state of affairs to know that so many seek refuge in this country and yet its own citizens take so little action to protect the one thing that is the ideal: freedom to vote.I stood on the line yesterday hoping that the line was an indication of something better to come this election. I wondered if the Democratic bosses would dare to refuse to seat the rebellious states like Florida. I wondered whether this time we might actually hope to have a President that has the capacity to understand the world that exists now: the issues facing all nations are complex, not the least of which is global warming.  I worry that not enough people will vote and that those that do vote will not take the time, or are unable to learn about the issues. The last election I recall a woman stating that her minister told the congregation how to vote because there really was no separation of church an state. That is too scary. Simple slogans do not solve the worlds problems  and yet that is what moves people. It seems since the Reagan days, that is more and more the case.I guess I am left to hope and do what I can -vote -and encourage others to do the same.  

Multi-level marketing

I just left the house of a friend, a new friend, of mine. We were working on the home page of her business website. The focus of the business has changed from a networking center to a networking center/ home based business resource.

We spent a couple of hours going over the draft I had written for her. During our conversation, which included, children, marriage- all the typical topics women speak about with each other, we landed on the topic of the website.

My friend is involved in a few home-based business ventures –all are multi-level. I simply do not get how it works. For the purpose of the website, it doesn’t matter. But, for me, I do not understand how everyone becomes a distributor. If everyone is a distributor who then are the clients. I know that women are making good money handling these products despite lack of understanding.

I have been to presentations about a variety of home based businesses. It just isn’t the way my brain works. So I guess, I will keep writing for my friend and trust that one day I will have that aha! experience. In the meantime, if you are a woman looking for a home-based business go to Mommy Mentors.com and check out the networking possibilities.